Saturday, March 22, 2014

(Not) Broken

My move to this new place in 2011 was in a bit of a fit of despair. I felt lost, stuck in a city in which I no longer wanted to live, lonely without any romantic relationships, purposeless in a job I couldn't and didn't want to do, antsy to see more of the country. I was looking forward to starting completely over, in a city where no one knew me, in a job I knew I could do, in a landscape that promised real adventure. I was feeling broken, and I wondered if a new life would help me put my pieces back together. It did, mostly, but when I still sensed some holes, I looked to a professional to help me with the last few pieces. Soon afterward, I felt fixed. It was something I should have done years before. But just like any life changes, you have to be ready or it doesn't take.

Two years later, my body has felt broken, after too many years of not addressing the little things. So, again, I turned to professionals to help me. After many co-pays, a prescription, and some twisting and turning, again I feel like I'm on the upswing. I feel more capable, and strangely, a little more invincible. All those things that held me back in the past are now in the past. My list of excuses has dwindled.

I have always lived my life so independently. It's been up to me to figure out how to get through any obstacles that have come my way. The past few years have taught me that it's okay to seek out help, that even the strongest people sometimes can't handle everything alone. I learned to accept that it's okay to not be the strongest person in the room. It's been good training, because soon I will have to give up a great deal of my independence. My special someone and I will soon live under the same roof with Dear Kitty, two small-in-stature but big-in-character dogs, a corn snake, a bearded dragon, and every other week, two rowdy boys. We will be a family unit, dependent on each other, even when we'd rather go it alone. It will be a big adjustment for me and Dear Kitty, who enjoy our solitude and freedom. But it will be better, because few people can stand to be alone forever. These days, I come home from the circus to my quiet house, and I feel lonely. There will be days when I can't handle the circus, and I hope that I will be granted a few hours of solitude. But overall, I suspect that I will feel even more complete, more so than I imagined possible.